Tuesday, 28 June 2011

'Summertime and the living is easy...'

Toby Toshiba is in the computer hospital having had a very lengthy operation. He is now recovering nicely and thanks everyone for all of your get-well wishes. It was touch and go for a while but he is out of intensive care and should be home in a few days- which is just as well, because Hubby and I are squabbling over his computer like two crabby children.
We shall be away for some of the Summer, and because Hubby claims he has so much gardening to do that he can’t blog much, we have decided to give this blog a holiday too.
I shall of course keep you all fully up to date with our adventures over the next few weeks on my regular blog – Facing 50 with Humour.
For those of you who really need a massive fix of wit and humour or just a hilarious summer read then click the book title and download a copy of MiniSkirts and Laughter Lines onto your Sony, iPhone, computer or Kindle.
If you do it today it will only cost you $1.00, yes $1.00.
You need to type in the following code when you purchase the book and check out- TV38A

So, for the moment we’ll bid you all a wonderful summer and leave you with an advert that we discovered that made us chortle.

Monday, 6 June 2011

'We're all going on a summer holiday...'

Not quite a summer holiday but I shall be away for ten days. I shan’t be languishing on a tropical island sipping Pina Coladas though, oh no, not Facing 50! Naturally, I shall divulge all when I return.

However, I hate leaving you all and so as a treat (hopefully) I am going to leave you with the first chapter of my precious book to read and enjoy. There is a catch though. The book is in a competition to be noticed and published which means it needs reviews and good star ratings over the next two weeks. If you think you’d like to read it and are willing to help me out then please click on the link I’ve provided HERE The details of my book will then come up. Click ‘read sample chapters from this book’. You will then be able to read the chapter.
     If you enjoy it would you please, please, pretty please, sign up and write a brief review of what you have read. You will need to go back to the page before and click on ‘review this work’. You’ll only need to provide a name – your blogging name is great and an email and some fictitious birth date!
     The review only needs to be 100 words or more. You can write whatever you like about it. It was funny. It was rubbish It made you laugh. Please feel free to criticise. I already have one scathing review and I only cried for five days. More importantly you will have to mark my work out of 5 for several categories, 5 being the best.
I cannot tell you how much I would appreciate your help.
     And so, I must leave you for a while. I shall be able to read your blogs but unable to leave comments. I’ll still be there in the background. Bye bye my bloggy friends - I’ll bring you all back a stick of rock!

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

Wednesday Wit

I have not been on form this week. What with a nasty cold, a bad back through attempting some gardening -I knew it would be bad for my health - and a disgusting cold sore on my face, I haven't felt too much like finding something for us all to giggle at. (Hubby says I should have posted a photo of my carrot cake I baked this morning - it's fallen and looks like a carrot cake mousse!)
I am therefore indebted to one of my followers for this week's 'Funnies'. Fishducky doesn't have a blog of her own. If she did, she would be inundated with followers as she is an extremely amusing lady. I have been fortunate enough to receive lots of jokes, anecdotes and very amusing pieces from her in recent weeks.
This week's funnies bring to mind my years of teaching. Exam howlers were always read out in the common room (no names mentioned of course). As for my own howlers, well when I was little and at junior school we had end of year exams. I was very bright and my parents expected much from me. They wanted me to do well and be put up a class the following year.
I read the questions through very carefully.
One asked  'Can you name ten fruit and ten vegetables?'
I held my tongue between my teeth in concentration and got my pencil ready. I wrote down all the vegetables I could think of - carrots, peas, beans, cauliflower, cabbage, leek, turnips, onions, potatoes, squash.
I then puzzled about the fruit: bananas, apples, oranges, pineapples, kiwi, peaches, cherries, strawberries, plums and raspberries.
Happy with my selection, I took out my eraser, rubbed out all the answers and wrote 'Yes, I can!'
Hope you enjoy the funnies. Thank you fishducky.

Thursday, 26 May 2011

Hubby's Hotties - I've been tagged

I have been preparing a post all about our electricity box this week. I have been planning it in my head as I go walking and just as I was about to write it up F50 came chattering and giggling like a kid (not the goat version) into my room and told me I’d been tagged! I thought that only happened to criminals. So, I now have to adhere to some rules and answer some questions.
I wouldn’t normally subscribe to this behaviour but since I was asked by a very nice lady from Devon, I have decided to play along – see F50, I’m not the spoilsport you make me out to be. Firstly, allow me to redirect you all to the mischief maker who has had the audacity to tag me. Thisisme at Southhamsdarling is a very nice lady indeed who always takes time to leave friendly comments on my blog posts. I especially appreciated it when I first began writing as it is quite daunting doing this when you’ve no idea what to write. Thisisme has a rather splendid blog that F50 has shown me. Her garden is exceptionally lovely and her clean patio puts ours to shame. Please go and visit this lady – if only to give her a telling off for making me do this especially as I have now caught F50’s horrible cold and feel quite weak.
Do you think you're hot?
Hot no - at the moment I’m freezing cold. I blame F50 and her lousy germs. No, I’m not hot but one of my son’s girlfriends called me ‘The Silver Fox’ a few years ago.
Upload a picture or wall paper that you are using at the moment.Are you kidding? I don’t know what upload means or how to do it. Facing 50 said she’ll sort it out, especially as it’s her fault I’m now ill.  So, that’s answered that then.

My wallpaper - I loved Concorde

When was the last time you ate chicken?
Don’t get me started on food. Everything I eat tastes of sandpaper. In fact sandpaper is probably more nutritious than F50’s cooking. I think we had chicken last month because she bought one when M&S had a ‘Dine in for £10’ offer. I remember it was sticky and tasteless but the lemon tart for dessert was very nice.
The song/songs you listened to recently.
Apparently, I listened to The Wu Pong Cling or Clang or something this morning thanks to a practical joke which wasn’t funny. (If you are reading this F50 don’t ever touch my Abba CD again?) Then I listened to a holy row by some more screaming banshees.
What were you thinking while doing this?
What the *#!? Is this pile of .....
Do you have any nicknames? What are they?
No. I suppose that wasn’t too difficult.
Tag eight blogger friends...
That is difficult as I don’t have any friends yet. I’ll choose eight people who have been kind to me, written comments, and encouraged me to write more. I hope that’s okay.

I wasn't blogged yesterday @ IWASNTBLOGGEDYESERDAY
Jane @ Rattlebox
Everyone else seems to already have been tagged so I’m sticking to six.
Who's listed as number one?
I wasn’t blogged yesterday. Funny and Australian what more could a man want?
Say something about number five?
Jane is a fellow Brit who lives fairly close to us in rural Shropshire. One should always support fellow Brits, so Jane, over to you my dear!
How did you get to know number three?
She left a nice comment for me on my first post and told F50 that she enjoyed visiting. I think anyone willing to spend time reading my posts deserves to be appreciated. Thank you Darlene.
How about number four?
Oh dash it! I’ve just discovered Belle was tagged too. Now what do I do?
Leave a message for number six?
Facing 50 would love to come and visit you. Please don’t give her too much wine when she does because she’ll talk rubbish. (More rubbish than normal!)
Leave a lovey- dovey message for number two?
Don’t be ridiculous. I’m a man. I don’t do lovey-dovey!
Right that’s it. ‘Tag everyone’ Now I’m going to write all about our electricity box because that is an entertaining story.

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Wednesday Wit

Click on the funnies tab today to see what my mother has been cackling at every month...

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Help, I need somebody. Help, not just anybody. Help, I need someone....Help!

Okay, today I am unveiling the blurb for my yet to be published book. I now need your valuable feedback. Please read the blurb and then comment on whether it is exciting enough to get you to buy the book or if it is lacking. I shan't mind if you criticise it at all, in fact sometimes criticism is better than praise. I have made myself go mad trying to rewrite it and now I need impartial opinions. The book is wrtten in a similar vein to my blogs so is largely humorous. All help will be more than gratefully received.

     Amanda Wilson can’t decide between murder, insanity and another glass of red wine. Facing the big five oh and all that it entails is problematic enough without having to deal with a man who makes Victor Meldrew look like Coco the Clown. What’s the point in minking your eyes, or crumbling up Horny Goats Weed into his afternoon cocoa, when your husband would much rather watch ‘Russia Today’ than admire you, strutting in front of the television wearing only thigh length boots and a thong? 
     Her son has managed to perform yet another magical disappearing act. Could he actually be buried under the mountain of festering washing which is strewn on his bedroom floor? He’ll certainly be buried somewhere when she next gets her hands on him after last night's shenanigans.
     Life is certainly 'drab' not 'fab' at the moment.  Isn't fifty supposed to be the new forty?Not for Amanda it seems. At least her mother knows how to enjoy herself. She’s partying her twilight years away in Cyprus. Queen of the Twister mat, she now has a toy boy in tow. However, who knows what the pearly-white toothed Adonis is really up to? 
     Everyone else seems to enjoy life to the maximum. Even the ancient next door neighbours know how to have fun. When they aren’t getting people blotto with their homemade wine, they spend weekends shooting off on their new motor bike, which they bought from his ‘PeaPad’.    
     Amanda blames desperation, hormones and Tiffany's coltish, blemish-free legs. She really shouldn’t have pressed that send button. The past always catches up with you sooner or later. Still, her colourful past is a welcome relief to her monochrome present; especially when it comes in the shape of provocative Todd Bradshaw, her first true love.
     Soon Mandy has a difficult decision to make; one that will require more than a few glasses of Chianti.

So, what do you think? Is it interesting enough or should I rewrite? Speak your mind please...help!

Monday, 23 May 2011

'The Jean Genie...'

I should really thank Hubby for ensuring that I can now actually get into my jeans. I should thank him and yet no, I’m cursing him.
     It all began over winter when Hubby discovered the joys of eating afternoon mince pies and I joined in. Nothing was nicer than cosying down in front of the log burner with a hot cocoa and a warm mince pie each afternoon as outside the snow fell. Well, enjoy it as I may, it wasn’t long before my waistline expanded, and by March I was still too large to fit into my trousers and jeans.
     I tried lying on my back and wiggling into them. No luck. I jumped up and down to get them on and succeeded, only to find the zip wouldn’t do up, or indeed would do up and would then break several hours later. I clearly needed to lose weight. I complained to Hubby and suggested I bought some new trousers. He looked horrified and said I could jolly well get back into my old ones.
     Mr Lean and Slim (in spite of eating chocolate and cake) assured me that walking was my only option. He took it upon himself to become my ‘bootcamp meister’ making sure that I was dragged out of bed when he got up (5am-6am) and taken outside for a good hike over the fields before breakfast. He then would saddle me up and take me out after breakfast and if I was very fortunate indeed he would take me out on my lead after lunch too.
     It wasn’t too bad last month because it was fairly warm for Spring and I started to feel the benefit of our regular walks. Coming back from our trip to Prague, Hubby was even more convinced about the benefits of walking and increased our routes by a few miles each day. I didn’t mind because at last I could get into my white jeans and almost do them up.
     Since our return though, it has become quite cold and horribly windy. If there’s one thing I loathe, it’s the wind. I absolutely despise it; but Hubby loves it and even finds it invigorating. Nothing would prevent his new obsession with walking. He continued to leap out of bed just as the birds are thinking about waking up, throw back the bedcovers to ensure I got up and hurtled for the door with rare enthusiasm.
     Last week as the wind whistled around my ears Hubby decided to take us even further than normal. About four miles away from the house, having crossed several fields, the skies darkened and the inevitable rain began to pour down. We got completely soaked. We tried to shelter under a tree but after half an hour of freezing even Hubby had to agree we should make our way home. Bedraggled and cold I complained.
‘You do want to get into your clothes don’t you?’ he asked.
I nodded miserably. I would rather have liposuction than this I thought as I towelled off my wet hair.
     In the afternoon he suggested a shorter walk. When I refused, he looked at my stomach and raised his eyebrows. I went along squelching through puddles. The next day it blew a gale. Hubby marched us off again on the newly discovered long walk; some seven miles of trekking. I was convinced we would be blown away as we struggled on against the ever strengthening winds. It was such an effort to walk against the wind that we actually got quite hot. Hubby battled on whistling. He was really enjoying himself.
     On our return, and after a warm shower, I put on a clean pair of jeans delighted that they slid on without any difficulty and did up. I proudly showed Hubby, who expressed relief that I didn’t need to go clothes shopping again. Later that day I felt ill. The feeling lasted all night and into the next day. I couldn’t eat any food. The pain turned into a bout of something nasty. The next day I could hardly stand up. All night I was awake with a streaming cold and a filthy headache. I felt rotten.
Hubby, who is convinced that you only have to say cold and he’ll get one, decided he didn’t want to be anywhere near me if I had a cold and took himself out for long walks without me. I was too ill to even make myself a cup of tea. He told me to stay out of any room he was in and made me sleep in the spare room on the couch. Quite honestly I was beyond caring. I dripped about in my office all day staring at the computer with unseeing eyes.
     Today, I feel better enough to write this post. I still have a rotten cold. My eyes are streaming and my stomach still hurts. Hubby is nowhere to be seen. He’s outside somewhere walking over the fields. There is, of course, a benefit to all of this. I haven’t been able to eat for four days now. Due to being ill I have lost more weight. My jeans and trousers hang slackly on me now. I might have to get them taken in. Or, maybe, when I feel better I should go to town and treat myself to a new pair. I’m sure Hubby won’t mind, after all, it is all thanks to his fitness regime!